(Update: This was written long ago; I was younger and less mature. I probably wouldn’t do something like this now, but leaving the article here, as there are various lessons to be learnt. The original article referred to in this article been removed but a copy exists on the Wayback Machine. Also, just as that article started getting serious questions asking for numerological advice, even this post started getting similar questions, so I disabled comments on this post.)
…while part of me is ashamed of this, the rest is enjoying being cruel to idiots.
It all started when I wrote this supposedly humorous article (Wayback Machine link) titled ‘Star Numerologist Sanjay B. Jumaani to be awarded the Bharatt Rratnaa’. You would think, that to anybody with an IQ greater than their age, it would be obvious that this is not intended to be taken seriously. You would think that the first few commentors (Full2Faltu and Krish Ashok) would have convinced the doubters that this is all a job.
And you would be wrong. Things started going downhill from the 7th comment onwards. Incredibly, people managed to read past such wisecracks as ‘[Jumaani has predicted that] the astronomic rise of the Sensex in 2008 after it is renamed to Sensekks’ and then at the bottom of the same page, they started asking me for numerological advice. Seriously, what is wrong with these people?!
Anyway, considering the satirical nature of the parent article, I decided to give smart-ass / humorous answers to the questions. To the MBA student wanting to know whether he will get an ‘international placement’, I suggested that he should apply only to companies whose names start with a ‘B’ and he will get an international placement – in Bhutan or Burma.
But I also tried to work in some serious suggestions. To the guy who wanted to succeed as an entrepreneur, I bluntly said
Numbers don’t play an important part in your life. (Fortunately or unfortunately) success in your career will depend upon hard work and smart choices.
To the guy with terrible English facing ‘lost of problem in […] life’ I suggested:
Based on the limited information you have given, I have the following recommendation: the numbers 8 and 3 are important in your life. Do a 3 month course on English speaking; it should include at least 8 hours per week. And after 8/3/08 your fortunes will improve.
I felt rather proud of having given useful advice in the guise of numerological humor. Apparently, however, he was not interested in doing any actual work for success and sent this follow-up: “Plz suggest how i become sucessful with the changing of name” and he ended this paragraph with “because u r the toperson to whom i can trust to take suggestion”.
At this point, I give up. I admit defeat. If you can’t lick them, join them. I have started actually giving numerological advice and making predictions about their life. I can see how writing this satirical article was actually divine intervention which helped me find my true calling in life. If people want my advice who am I to deny it? Young women want to meet me in person. (Seriously. Check it out for yourself. And I know that they are young because I know their birth dates! Ha ha.) This seems like a much better career choice than debugging C programs. So I am going to start using cold-reading techniques to guess their past and then predict their future. I am going to tout “scientific numerology” and design experiments for them to figure out their perfect numbers and colors and days of the week. I want to find out how easy it is to get ‘satisfied’ customers through pure bullshit. This is all of course, purely in the spirit of scientific inquiry and the relentless pursuit of knowledge.
And before you condemn my cruelty, remember that these people are asking me for advice on a page where at the top it says “Bollywood news for idiots. Humor for the rest of you…”, and at the bottom it says, “BasKya.com is a satirical website. Which means that all content is meant to be humorous and for entertainment only. It’s not true. If you cannot handle that fact, close your browser, and step away from the computer.” They are asking for advice in the comments of an article which says ridiculous stuff like Sanjay B. Jumaani is being given the ‘Bharatt RRatnaa’ for future contributions like “the complete annihilation of Pakistan in 2011 when he will go undercover as Arabian numerologist Sanj-e-Jumma-i-imaani and will give them bad numerological adivce.” And these are educated people. One is a doctor (who is presumably out there giving medicine to other people), and another is a lecturer (who is shaping the minds of our coming generation). Would you show any pity?!
Some of those reading this and who know me personally might be wondering whether my computer got taken over by my evil twin today. Because I am a rather nice guy otherwise. My only excuse is that fact that somehow this set of doctors, lecturers and MBAs who are too stupid to be anywhere near the internet and who believe in numerology has just irritated beyond my normal limits. The way I think about it is that these people are such idiots that if I weren’t doing it, someone else would be doing it, and charging them money for it! At least, I am doing it for free.
What do you think? Let me know in the comments below.
P.S.
I am sure that after reading this article, some smart alecs are going to post more queries on that page asking for advice with the intention of pulling my leg. Don’t even think about it! I am an all-seeing, all-knowing numerologist and I can see through all the paltry tricks of your small minds.
🙂 Nice name, ‘baskya’… didn’t know you had anothher blog.
Some people might have just been pulling your leg looking for advice (you become ‘topperson’ after one satirical piece??), but some might actually be serious.
I suggest another satirical piece on palmistry based on ‘latest neuro-kinesiological investigations of patterns of lines on hand’
Not surprised at all. In fact, I propose that we create a competitive, web-based numerological advice website/blog/portal and give Mr Jumaani a run for his money. In addition to numerlogy, I think we should also focus on certain ancient astrological practices that have sadly gone out of vogue
1. Reading the lines on the palm of ones foot.
2. Numerology based on Indian scripts. Jumaani only does English, an alien and foreign language. I think we should cowbeltize, bongolize, marathize, Gujjize and Madrasize Numerology and do yeoman service to the indian masses
3. Instead of asking for date of birth, time of birth and latitude (that’s old skool), we could ask for a) what dish was being cooked at home on the day you were born b) Mother’s name in hex c) Pincode of the place you were born
What say?
Sanjay jumaani is fraud.
Cheated a lot of money
And yes, I think our site should actually give honest-to-earth sensible advice in the disguise of astrological mumbojumbo and spiced with sarcastic humour so that we enjoy what we are doing.
Nice one 🙂
I was wondering when you are addressing the problem because I would get all the comments posted on that particular post
I have the same problem. I had written a post about how I liked a song. Now I only get comments to send the MP3 of the song inspite of me mentioning that I don’t have the MP3. Now I just ignore those comments.
but the comments don’t stop and I have consulted a numberiologist and change my name altogether to chatuklal matuklal beediwala. great future awaits me! Now all these comments will stop!
-Punds
a.k.a
Chatuklal Matuklal Beediwala
I’m surprised you’re surprised. People have in vain to plumb the depths of gullibility and failed. You could start a religion based on anything – even third-class science fiction – and a surprising number of people will fall for it.
At some point the founders stare in wonder, adding more and more ludicrous axioms to their set of beliefs in the hope that well, *now* the penny will drop, but it doesn’t… and that’s when they decide – screw it, I might as well make some money on this.
So, N. Abra K. Dabra, I suggest you combine the two motifs, science fiction and numerology, by making Isaac Asimov’s short story Spell My Name with an S the cornerstone of your new religion.
Let me know when you need some high priests to help you with counting the sacks of money. I will be there in large baggy robes with pockets sewn all over.
@Venkat, I don’t actively write on BasKya. For a while there, I was doing this experiment to see if I could write some Onion-like articles, but then decided that it takes too much time and put it on hold. Maybe I’ll pick it up some other time – but for now my programming is consuming me.
Obviously, it is quite possible that some of those people are pulling my leg. I hope so, for the sake of the future of humanity – It’s hard to believe this level of idiocy.
@Krish Ashok, I like your idea. I seriously wouldn’t mind contributing to a blog that gives “honest-to-earth sensible advice in the disguise of astrological mumbojumbo and spiced with sarcastic humour”. It would be fun, methinks.
@Full2 Faltu, don’t talk to me about people asking for mp3s. It’s too painful a subject. I’ve had a songs lyrics website for about 15 years, and you can’t even imagine how many requests I used to get for mp3s in spite of the fact that right next to my e-mail address I had mentioned that I don’t have any. I had to cancel one e-mail account. That is when I first found out how many idiots are there on the internet who cannot read simple instructions.
@tubelite, I have come to expect gullibility from people. What I am surprised at is the utter failure at ‘english comprehension’. How can you ask for advice in the comments of that article, at that site.
Dear Navin,
ive tried all sorts of mumbo jumbo ,numerology palmistry,astrology,psychics etc etc …..the more i try these the worse things get .all these people say after one year just see how gr8 youll be ……so many one years have passed since then ..lol ,nothing seems to change
so i conclude by saying all this things are bogus and one should not waste time and energy in these
NO MAN CAN CHANGE WHAT GOD HAS WRITEN I GUESS!!!
hellow sir
Myself is Bhumita patel.
date of birth is 29th aug 1982 at 5:45 am
so i just want to know when will get married
can i have high qualifed soulmate in my life?
my sister do believe very much in astrology. maybe the stars might have something to do with our futures”.,
Dear Navin, So, tell me, in the pursuit of justice and possession of basic Math skills (which just barely snag Game Theory & Probability, but skip over all of that other stuff), d’ya think my ‘Naja’s Fortunate News’ should contain a Numerology edition? Thank you! -Naja
Pls tell my future
hllo naveen
my name is amit anand jha
dob 8 .march 1979
time 4.13 pm
place -shibipatty ,madhubani,bihar
kindly suggest me the lucky name?
my dob is 31 aug 1991.plz tell me about my carrier
Hi Navin
This is sriniva reddy yanal
All pepols call me like sriniva
Any problems in my name you say
My birth 1st Dec 1992
1+1+2+1+9+9+2=1/7
My name number
SRINIVA=19
REDDY= 16
YANAL= 11
Total = 46
This is writ wrong you reply me
Navin you name = 18
Hello sir,
Please help me to improve my life. Done lot of struggle in life.
Now pls suggest can I do some changes in my name.
Please tell. My. Lucky numbers
My name is Mr. Nivrutti Mane
bod is 18,03,1991
my problem is
i do study MPSC from 3 yrs ago but i can’t get success , plz say me solution this problem.