Author: navin

If you’re a gay student in India, should you come out? When? To Whom?

Being gay is tough. Being gay in India is even tougher. Which is why many gay people in India remain in the closet most of their lives.

However, I strongly believe every gay person should come out, at least to the people they’re closest to. Having to hide such an important part of one’s identity, from everybody, for one’s entire life, is unhealthy, dangerous, and not a situation I would wish anybody to have to go through.

A few weeks ago, I read an interesting article in the Pune Mirror by Sanyukta Dharmadhakari, about openly gay students on Pune college campuses. I was quite happy to find out that there is increasing acceptance of gay students on our campuses.

So I began to wonder – if there is a closeted gay student, should he/she be encouraged to come out?

I have little or no expertise in this matter. I have at least 4 good friends who are gay, I stayed for 2 years with a housemate who was gay, and I have attended my friends’ lesbian wedding. So I am a little more informed than the average person in India – but, to get an answer to my question, I decided to get the help of experts.

Sorry, this article has become a little long, so here’s a helpful table of contents. You don’t have to read all the parts, and you don’t have to read them in order.

How do you first find out that you’re gay? What does it feel like? I asked my friend Venkatesh Iyengar, who grew up in India, and who’s now openly gay, to answer this question. This is his experience:

I discovered I was gay when I was about 10. In school, I found myself excited by the other boys in class, but before I could comment about this to anyone, I noticed other boys were similarly excited by the girls in our class, and this puzzled me greatly. This was my first sign that I was different. I withdrew into a shell and became an introvert for many years to follow – a great defense mechanism at the time. I’m glad I realized that I was different before I discussed the issue with anyone. Otherwise I would have been accidentally “outed” before I was ready for it, and that wouldn’t have been good for me.

Owing to societal reaction to homosexuality, more so in India, we go through a lot of intense emotions early on, and foremost among them is fear, intense loneliness, self-guilt, self-hate, a desperate need to feel a sense of belonging …. these are very normal feelings, and these behaviours are learnt and reinforced over many years. Consequently accepting one is gay usually takes just as long if not longer. It starts with first understanding that what you are is ‘different’, not ‘wrong’, and truly believing that. I repeat – truly believing that – because that is by far the most important part of acceptance. Truly believing enables you to forgive yourself for whatever transgressions you think you committed, to love yourself without feeling the need to apologize for it, to say “I am gay” loudly with your head held high, and looking others in the eye, and to really feel like you do belong in any group of people. All this does not happen overnight. In my opinion two things are very key to getting through this process – having friends and/or family that will love you regardless, and meeting other gay people and having role models who are also gay.

Nothing can replace knowing that someone else has been through what you are going through, and especially knowing there are both famous and not-so-famous people just like you. Telling people you are gay is just a part of the process, maybe even an optional part. While this is what people refer to when they talk of “coming out”, the real coming out is acceptance of yourself, and your ability to think of your sexual orientation as another personal quality, like, say, the colour of your eyes.

It will happen. With time. And there is help – you don’t have to deal with it alone. Talking to an LGBT group or counselor is the first step. It is not easy – it will likely include some inner turmoil and compromises but it always gets better after that. Accepting yourself and coming out is an incredibly liberating feeling, one that I think everyone should experience.

This is not necessarily the only way that you find out you’re gay. Also, the age when you’ll find out is more likely to be closer to 13-15. But the feelings – of confusion, turmoil, guilt, self-hate, intense loneliness, fear – are very common. Just remember, you are different, not wrong, and you’re not alone.

So, on to the main question of this article: If a gay student is closeted, would you encourage him/her to come out? Why or why not?

I asked this question to Bindumadhav Khire, gay rights activist, and founder of Samapathik Trust, an NGO that works on LGBT issues. Here are his answers:

The question is coming out to whom? To their friends? Family? Teachers? Public? My advice is that they should (when they become Adults) come out to some good NGO like Samapathik Trust (Pune) or The Humsafar Trust (Mumbai). Their confidentiality will be respected (they need not give their real name) and they will find LGBTI community members who have a +ve image of themselves. They can also then seek counseling on various issues.

I feel they should not come out to their friends/family/teachers/public till their studies are over and they get a good job and become financially independent. In case they come out too early, and they are rejected by the family, they have nothing to fall back on. At a young age they are more vulnerable to blackmail, sexual exploitation, unsafe sex, alcohol/drug use, etc. as they have no support systems for them to help them cope with their sexuality. They also have no role models hence they are very vulnerable. The Trust is a good support system for them and they should avail of it.

If they insist on coming out, they should not come out till they are at least 18 years complete. As an adult they are legally in charge of their lifestyles.

In case he/she needs help, or information, or counseling, or therapy, what resources exist in Pune?

They can approach Samapathik Trust and based on their needs (e.g. depression etc.) we can refer them to a gay-friendly psychiatrist. In case they have been into unsafe sexual practices we can – with their consent – get them tested for HIV; if they have acquired Sexually Transmitted Infections we can provide medicines to them (as per advice of the doctor). If they have been sexually assaulted we can assist them to approach the police.

Where should he/she go for more information.

In Bombay, get in touch with Humsafar Trust.

Venkatesh Iyengar adds: In Bangalore, Good As You is a wonderful resource. They have a terrible website that doesn’t even load most of the time, so the best thing to do is go to a meeting and then get added to their Facebook group, which, for obvious reasons, is not searchable. There is also a YahooGroups group, and an email id that is monitored regularly – goodasyoublr@googlemail.com

I further asked Bhooshan Shukla, child psychiatrist, whether he would like to add to what Bindu said, and here is his response:

I agree with Bindu on most issues. My take is –

Coming out is a long and layered process. First is coming out to oneself. Accepting own sexuality, gathering data about it from safe sources like Samapathik trust and the internet. Once the person is okay to a reasonable extent, they should look for friends / family sources who can understand them better. Fortunately, this subject is all over the media so there are ample chances of discussion and knowing people’s views. When in doubt hold back, would me my rule of thumb because coming out is irreversible.

Another important issue is to recognize that sexuality is one part of life and difficulties in one part can not be allowed to take over whole life. Getting counseling help for distress is important.

Financial independence is very important and becomes supreme in a homophobic culture like ours.

Not jumping into indiscriminate sexual adventures is also important. I see many gay adolescents and youngsters exploring their sexuality prematurely. Leaving themselves exposed to ridicule, blackmail, abuse, and even mental slavery.

Lastly, after coming out to family and finding non-acceptance there, do not get into angry self destructive mode or even trying to shock and shame the family by behaviour that is embarrassing for close family members, especially mothers. It is important to realize that the family really struggles to come to terms with minority sexualities and needs a lot of time. Severing ties with the family makes one vulnerable to temporary and exploitative relationships.

Coming out is a process stretched over almost 10 years, i.e. from age of 13-15 to almost 25. It needs to be paced properly. This is the price one is forced to pay in our society. It is unfair but that is how it is.

So, here’s the simplified summary:

  • First, come out to yourself. Accept your sexuality.
  • Then, come out to a good NGO, (in Pune: Samapathik Trust, in Mumbai: Humsafar, in Bangalore: Good As You), and/or a gay-friendly psychiatrist
  • Then, with the help of the above, figure out the right time to come out to the others, including your family, friends, and others.
  • Be careful. People can be cruel; you’re vulnerable and easily exploitable

Being gay is difficult. Don’t do it without help.

I don’t have all the answers. Neither does anyone else. But asking the questions, exploring the possibilities, and having a discussion helps.

Please give your thoughts, suggestions, questions in the comments section below. If you have a question, ask in the comments section below and I’ll ensure that one of the experts featured above will answer it.

I know this is a sensitive topic, so please feel free to leave a comment anonymously. (Just pick a random username, and set your email address to <your_random_username>@example.com – you can also use your real email address, in which case, I will see it, but nobody else will see that email address so your identity will still remain hidden.) Or you can get in touch with Bindumadhav Khire via the Samapathik trust or the help line (details above), Dr. Bhooshan Shukla via his clinic, or Venkatesh Iyengar via email – they’ll all be happy to help, while respecting your confidentiality.

Appendix: Definitions, Misconceptions, and Clarifications

This section is not a part of the main article, so please feel free to skip to the comments section below.

Not everyone is familiar with the various concepts and terms related
to homosexuality, and I’ve noticed that often people have
misconceptions so here are some basics:

  • A homosexual or a gay person is someone who is sexually/romantically attracted to others of the same gender.
  • A homosexual who has not yet disclosed his/her homosexuality is said to be “closeted” or “in the closet”.
  • A homosexual who (voluntarily) discloses his/her sexual orientation is said to “come out”. Most homosexuals who come out, come out in stages – _i.e._ they initially disclose their sexuality to only a few people, and then over the course of many years, might disclose it to more and more people (or not). So for example, a gay person might first only come out to a psychologist/therapist/counselor, then later he might come out to a few close friends, then they might come out to their parents, _etc._ Some homosexuals never come out at all.
  • Both males and females can be gay/homosexual. A female homosexual is called a lesbian. There is no separate term for a male homosexual.
  • Feminine behavior is not necessarily an indicator of male homosexuality. It is not necessary that necessary that someone exhibiting feminine behavior is gay, nor is it necessary that a gay man will exhibit feminine behavior.
  • Lots of people in India, especially those without much exposure to gay people, are convinced that they can easily identify who is “a gay”. My belief is that these people are completely mistaken and are usually those who confuse effeminacy with homosexuality.
  • There is no reason for you to be uncomfortable/awkward around a gay person. There is no problem with shaking hands with him, or hugging him. Just because someone is gay, doesn’t mean that he wants to have sex with you. As Harish Iyer once memorably told one of my friends, “Daro mat, yeh chhoone se nahiN failta hai!” (Don’t worry, this does not spread through touch.)
  • The word gay is an adjective. Thus, “He is gay” is correct English, while “He is a gay” is wrong. Similarly, you can say “gay people” but not “the gays”.
  • Being gay is not a choice. It is not a psychological problem that can be fixed by counseling/therapy. It is not a “mental illness” that can be treated. When I hear of people (typically, parents of gay children) talking about a “cure” for homosexuality, I think of one of my friends – being gay has caused so much torment in his life that he would give anything to not be gay, just so he can have a normal life. But he can’t. (Yes, he’s been through multiple rounds of the so-called cures and treatments, with multiple doctors, and no, he hasn’t been “cured.”)
  • Being gay in India is not illegal! Technically, according to Section 377 of our IPC, gay sex is illegal, but this is rarely enforced – unless someone with the right connections wants to take advantage of a gay person for some other unrelated reason. Then Section 377 becomes a handy weapon of blackmail/manipulation. (Update: On 6/9/2018, the Supreme Court of India struck down Section 377 effectively decriminalizing gay sex, and other forms of unnatural sex between consenting adults. So that’s one problem solved.)
  • Being gay is just one of the possible ways in which a person’s gender/sexuality can differ from the mainstream. Physical body, mental gender, and sexual orientation are independent things. Mental gender is whether you think of yourself as a male or female, irrespective of what physical body you have. Sexual orientation is which sex(es) you find attractive, irrespective of your physical body and your mental gender.
  • There are many variations of what a person can be: bisexual, transsexual (or transgender), intersex, hijra, and more… but a discussion of that is way beyond the scope of this article.
  • The term LGBT is sometimes used in this context, and stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender. Sometimes, Intersex is added to this, so you get LGBTI. In India, sometimes, Hijra is added to this, to give LGBTIH.

Don’t send your child to a boarding school

One of the most common issues that trouble parents who stay in small town India has to do with the dismal quality of schools in their town, and when they should pack off their child to a good school in a big city for improving their education and increasing their chances of success in their career.

Along these lines, here is a typical question, that someone recently asked me:

<X> is studying in Std 7 and she is a bright student. She stays in a small town and there is not much option of good schools. In fact there is only one english medium school of descent standard. <X>’s parents want to send her to some boarding school so that she can get a better platform and can get other exposure in addition to good studies. Basically they wants that she gets more opportunity to build her career, which is not possible in her current school.

Initially I was not in favor of sending small kids to boarding school because then they are away from their parents. But I was convinced that such a bright student deserves a better platform to shape her future.

Just wanted to know your view on this.

Here is my view on this:

I am not in favor of sending a school kid to boarding school. At this stage, it is more important for her to have a loving home, and parents who set a good example – that is something that cannot be recreated anywhere else, and it has a huge impact on how her life turns out. In the long term, quality of schooling has a much lower impact on overall happiness, and sensible life choices than closeness to caring parents. If she’s bright, the career will take care of itself, as long as the sensible choices and happiness are there. Maybe it might take 5 years longer, because she is not in a big city and top school. In such matters, for success: “Der hai, andher nahiN.”

I would suggest the following:

  1. Get a good fast broadband internet connection
  2. Introduce her to sites like Khan Academy
  3. Encourage her to learn on her own
  4. Allow her to spend lots of time on the internet, if she gets interested in educational sites like Khan Academy, or even Wikipedia browsing.
  5. Watching educational videos or self-help videos, or do-it-yourself videos on YouTube is also recommended.
  6. Get her a Kindle
  7. Encourage her to read. Anything that she’s interested in reading, even trashy novels are fine.
  8. Spend money on buying good books on the Kindle (or even bad books, if she’s reading)

Consider shifting her to a big city, good school either after 10th if she’s a mature and sensible kid, otherwise, after 12th.

For a second opinion on this question, I asked my friend Bhooshan Shukla, who’s a child psychiatrist, whether he agreed or disagreed with me, and here’s his response:

  • I agree with all of your points.
  • Internet is important.

In addition, he felt that in many such cases, it was important to keep this in mind:

It is also v important to keep the child grounded as it is quite common for parents to assume talent in a child. Such kids can be in for a rude shock when exposed to real world later.

In other words, it is quite common for parents to over-estimate the abilities of the child, and then place the burden of unrealistic expectations, which can cause serious problems. So it is important to get a reality check, before starting to push your child too much. (Remember, praise the efforts, not the achievements. The former will make them redouble their efforts, the latter will make them over-confident and lazy.)

Note: there are of course special situations in which it does make sense to send kids to boarding school. Some examples are:

  • If family is going thru extended turmoil and child is better isolated from this trouble. e.g. severe and prolonged illness of a family member.
  • If the family is likely to split or parents are not fully available for the child.
  • If the safety of the child in the family home is compromised, e.g govt servants, bank officers, military officers in border areas. etc.
  • If the family situation/tradition is such that does not really have the ability to provide the minimum discipline that a child needs; in this case, the child is totally pampered at home and will grow up to be a spoilt brat if not for the discipline and hardships of a boarding school.

IBM’s Watson supercomputer tackles the problem of creativity in cooking

IBM’s supercomputer research team has been pushing the boundaries of what computers are capable of. Their Deep Blue first beat Kasparov at chess almost 20 years ago. Later, IBM’s Watson beat Ken Jennings at Jeopardy. And now the same Watson is tackling the most difficult problem yet – cooking and creativity.

IBM Research has begun work on an unnamed cyberchef, an AI system designed to create new dishes that can delight our palates at their theoretical peaks of enjoyment.

Why bother teaching a computer how to cook? Of course, the first reason is that it advances computer science. But there is another interesting angle. The supercomputer could cook up recipes that have never been seen by man, because there are some things that computer are just better than humans at:

For example:

In the case of the flavorbot, these “new things” IBM is after range from spotting underrated, highly flavorful ingredients (like black tea, bantu beer and cooked apples), strange-but-tasty flavor pairings (like white chocolate and caviar, jamaican rum and blue cheese, or even bell pepper and black tea), and even whole recipes, complete with basic preparation steps.

And how does Watson do this? Unsurprisingly, this is rather difficult. More interestingly, lots of science and maths comes into play here.

This is a high level description of what the AI needs to do:

To generate these food leads, if you will, AI cross references three databases of information:

  • A recipe index containing tens of thousands of existing dishes that allows the system to infer basics like “what makes a quiche a quiche”
  • Hedonic psychophysics, which is essentially a quantification of whether people like certain flavor compounds at the molecular level
  • Chemoinformatics, which sort of marries these two other databases, as it connects molecular flavor compounds to actual foods they’re in

And here is a journalist’s article about the results; he was sent a bottle of Watson’s Bengali Butternut Barbeque Sauce and this is what he found:

When I unwrapped the brightly colored box and found the bottle inside, I immediately flipped to the back label. Most BBQ sauces start with ingredients like vinegar, tomatoes, or even water, but IBM’s stands out from the get go. Ingredient one: White wine. Ingredient two: Butternut squash.

The list contains more Eastern influences, such as rice vinegar, dates, cilantro, tamarind (a sour fruit you may know best from Pad Thai), cardamom (a floral seed integral to South Asian cuisine) and turmeric (the yellow powder that stained the skull-laden sets of True Detective) alongside American BBQ sauce mainstays molasses, garlic, and mustard.

I pour a bit of the bottle onto a plate of roasted tofu and broccoli–even a pork lover has gotta watch his cholesterol–and tentatively took a bite. Watson’s golden sauce may have the pulpy consistency of baby food, but it packs a surprising amount of unique flavor.

Immediately, you can taste the sweet warmth of the wine and the squash. The tamarind blends seamlessly, backed by a duo of vinegars, to tickle your tongue with just the right amount of tartness. The other flavors combine to leave an indefinable, warm aftertaste that, as you have a few more bites, actually heats your mouth–thanks to Thai chiles

This resulted in a reddit discussion, and one of the people working on this project showed up to share details of how exactly it works:

In a nutshell, however, Watson consumes massive amounts of recipes from different sources and then parses out the ingredients and steps. It also takes in information about the basic flavor compounds in ingredients, the general nature of ingredients, and, perhaps most interesting, a database of the “pleasantness” of flavor compounds, and a few other things that really make up Watson’s “secret sauce”.

From there it’s a collaborative creative process between chef and watson. It typically starts with an ingredient. Let’s say “cardamom”. Watson then searches the database, which is a pretty straight forward process, for the types of cuisine that have that ingredient. For cardamom there are about 100 different cuisines from Indian to Swedish to Bhutani and Barbadian that have a recipe somewhere that uses cardamom. Next it searches through the recipe database to pick out recipes that have cardamom in it. Cardamom is most often found in soups and cake, but it also can be found in things like fudge, baklava, and kebabs.

In the next step Watson starts to create a template of what it thinks might go in Swedish/Barbadian fudge with cardamom. Here’s where you can go crazy with Watson. The most common elements are automatically selected, but there’s lots of other options. For example, most fudge has a sweetener, chocolate, dairy, oil, and some nuts. Because we wanted cardamom, Watson recommends some spices too. You can go crazy and add in things like meat, alcohol, cheese, and a variety of other things at this step. You can’t just add in anything you want because there are some things that Watson has a hunch will just turn out to be nasty.

In the final step Watson generates a number of recipes that meet the guidelines provided. It tries to ensure that the ingredients selected match up with the various cuisines and also with the dish selected. In addition, using some of the “secret sauce” it makes sure that the ingredients will taste good together too. At the end it presents a number of recipes rated on scales such as “surprise”, or how rare is recipe like this compared to the database, “pairing”, or how well do the flavors pair or contrast with each other, and “pleasantness” which is based on the science of hedonic psychophysics. From there the chef works with Watson to find the best recipe.

That final paragraph sounds so cool. You randomly suggest a bunch of ingredients to a supercomputer and it comes up with interesting recipes based around your rough guidelines, while all the time preventing you from totally screwing up and ensuring that the resultant dish will taste good. (But, this is also reminding me of Arthur in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and his struggles to get Eddie, the shipboard computer, to make him some tea.

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