{"id":198,"date":"2020-04-19T11:56:47","date_gmt":"2020-04-19T06:26:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/smritiweb.com\/meetu\/?p=198"},"modified":"2021-08-05T14:42:12","modified_gmt":"2021-08-05T09:12:12","slug":"to-friend-or-to-parent","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/smritiweb.com\/meetu\/to-friend-or-to-parent\/","title":{"rendered":"To Friend or To Parent"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

\n\u201cYou\ncan either be a friend or a parent to your child,\u201d I often hear,\n\u201cthere is no way you can be both.\u201d they pass a verdict.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\nI\nappeal. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\nYou\nhave to be a friend if you want to be a half-decent parent. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\nA\nparent has to be a friend+ because being only a good friend is not\nenough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\nA\nfriend here would mean being the person who they come to when they\nare in trouble or going through a difficult time. And of course, they\ncontinue to like you even when they don\u2019t need you :). \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

Which is why things like grades in school, professional aspirations, how they will be there for me when I am older\u2014all take a back-seat in my world of parenting. That some of these things are actually projections of the parents\u2019 aspirations imposed on the child and others are plain unfair expectations\u2014is a matter for another discussion. But I would argue, even for these aims, being friendly rather than parently would serve the purpose better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, neither do I want to take the place of their best friend, nor do I want to substitute their social circle. Not only is that the opposite of being a good parent, but that is also hardly something a good friend should do! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To be that specific friend, though\u2014who the kid comes to and who will continue to like your company\u2014while being a parent, is no mean task. They would have to know I am non-judgemental. Like really*. They would have to believe that I know what to do in a difficult situation. Which means they have to know me and how I have handled such tough spots. And I would have to be a person they like to hang with*. And all of this without losing my sense of self and without bending backwards.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

This entails lots of non-heavy conversations. A two-liner here, a few-liners there\u2014none of them intentionally revealing right now. But in the long term, I would like to believe, they are adding up to making me their friend+. Yes, getting to know my little human beings, is a welcome by-product. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\nSo,\nof course, you have to discipline them and tell them about the ways\nof \u201csociety\u201d. It is you who has to teach them about\nboundaries\u2014others and theirs, and let them learn from their\nmistakes, be independent, and all that jazz. There is no getting away\nfrom leading by example on values like empathy, compassion, and just\ngenerally being a nice person. Taking responsibility and dealing with\nboth good and bad consequences, that\u2019s still a part of our job\ndescription as parents. If you have done all of that, you get a bonus\nresponsibility\u2014guiding them towards being aware of their feelings,\nemotions, reactions to situations. Oh, and paying bills. You get to\ndo that too. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\nLoaded,\nright? Tell me about it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"

<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

But, who said we can\u2019t build a friendly relationship along the way? This can be done without creating a power dynamic, right?** Some parts of our role can be converted towards our real goal. And guess what? Along the way I have sensed the \u201cloaded\u201d-ness of parenting lighten up a bit, making room for the really heavy times. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\nAnyway,\nthe biggest one of them all, \u201cdiscipline\u201d covers so many\nactivities that fill a day. The instructions are exhausting, even\nwhen you are the one giving them. \u201cWake up.\u201d \u201cSleep.\u201d \u201cEat.\u201d\n\u201cNot that, don\u2019t eat that.\u201d \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\nI\nknow I need a break from them. And I believe if we allow ourselves,\nthe relationship offers enough opportunity to take that break. So, I\nwould rather \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

– they learn ways of \u201csociety\u201d by us mulling together about why we do what we do, rather than the finality of, \u201cThis is how it is done.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n–\nthey discuss newspaper items with me to know my view about the world,\npower dynamics, boundaries, and so on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n–\nI tell them about my day. The boring ones and the challenging ones.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n–\nI ask about them and their friends. They ask about my friends and me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

– we exchange things from the latest books we are reading or movies\/shows we are watching.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n–\nnot make each moment of my parenting life a teaching opportunity. I\ncould try to make it one of learning though. \n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And most of these things can be made age-appropriate. I remember a lesson in feminism I learnt from my daughter when she was all of three.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Isn\u2019t this what friends do? Why keep the friend in our kid away from us? Are these not the little things that might want them to spend time with us, have fun with us, and of course come to us for help, if need be? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n*Attempts\nto speak like them makes them roll their eyes. It\u2019s cute.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n**I\nam not one, so I am not sure, but I reckon even submissive,\npermissive parents could gain some control back if their kids see\nthem as their friends. \n<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I mull over why friending is better than parenting, even though it is not easier.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":369,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[15,20,21,13,17,1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/smritiweb.com\/meetu\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/198"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/smritiweb.com\/meetu\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/smritiweb.com\/meetu\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smritiweb.com\/meetu\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smritiweb.com\/meetu\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=198"}],"version-history":[{"count":18,"href":"https:\/\/smritiweb.com\/meetu\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/198\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":377,"href":"https:\/\/smritiweb.com\/meetu\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/198\/revisions\/377"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smritiweb.com\/meetu\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/369"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/smritiweb.com\/meetu\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=198"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smritiweb.com\/meetu\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=198"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/smritiweb.com\/meetu\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=198"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}