Have you ever had those people in your life, who you got along reasonably well with, even maybe, were close friends with and now, things have changed. They have changed. You have changed. And now you don’t really care too much for them. Maybe they don’t care for you either. That works out fine.
But what when they have offended you and you don’t like the way they are with you anymore? They haven’t realized what they’ve done and they don’t have any “issues” with the friendship.
There are two such “friendships” I clearly remember. In the first case, I don’t know what snapped, but I just couldn’t take the guy any more. Everything from his laughter to his mannerism to what he talked about annoyed me from the inside. I began to question my shallow self, “How did you tolerate him earlier?” My BFF (it’s cute, no?) says, he always annoyed her. So, let’s just say, I grew up, gained some depth in the process.
The other case was pretty straight-forward. I know the break-off point. The two women in question had an up-handedness when we were together. For the sake of argument, let’s say, my low self-esteem had something to do with it. But then there was this one incident when families were together and there was a snide remark about Navin. “That’s it”, I decided. Maybe, I used it as an excuse. Maybe, that was confirmation of what made me uncomfortable. Maybe both. What I knew was I couldn’t talk to them again. So, I just cut it off. I stopped taking calls, replying to texts, etc. They pursued for a bit and then eventually gave up. “Why did they pursue?” is something I never understood. I was civil when we met at a social event, but that’s about it.
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What when, you still like the other person? You still want to share, want to talk, want to listen. You know they’ll understand, you know they want to know and tell.
But, there are these host of other things that went wrong. That are incompatible and will remain so. How do you let yourself forget about those? It’s all about protecting yourself from the anxiety and stress all over again. If I have to let a person consume all my energy, I’ll try a new person, no? So that I feel like less of a fool. If something happens twice, you cannot blame it on misjudgment. Even to the mirror, you cannot lie then.
And then there are those things, that felt like a knife through my veins. They’d hurt really bad if I let myself feel. The distrust, the inferior treatment, the total lack of compassion or care. I mean how does one start with a ‘clean slate’ when, “money value” was attached to a friendship. Will time ever heal that?
What if you were judged constantly for the person you are? What if a “special” friendship is “called off” by saying “I tried my bit” because two text messages went unanswered? What if your decision to not react to the hurt is blamed on my ego. When I put it this way, I wonder what is it that I “like the other person” for. What is friendship, if these basic tenets have already gone wrong?
I think the confusion is because I know not what I want. In a moment of weakness or outright listlessness, I want to rebuild the bridge. Maybe it’s general depression that makes me think that if I “shake hands”, “share”, “become normal”, I’ll feel better. At that moment of being “down”, I feel like I really, really want to do it. And every nerve-ending that has anything to do with rationale shouts a big NO!
It isn’t a brain vs. heart thing either. Because the heart would feel the hurt, if I allow it to, that is. And the brain knows that the other person is trying hard to make up. Really hard, even going out of their way?
Should I let my brain melt? Should I let my heart make me feel the hurt?