meetu talks . . .

As I read through Sakshi’s post on how changing yourself is not that bad if you are really doing it for someone you love, I got the feel that she’s right, but there’s something completely off. It’s one of those things that sounds sensible and yet is making huge assumptions. Yeah, you need to change, but being a spoon, or at least without thinking about the implications, might not be the right thing to do. Here’s what I was thinking while reading through the piece -

Do you get angry with an eye on the solution, are your fights directed to a solution?

It’s nice to have your eye on a solution. But, as so many damn situations have it, not all problems have a solution. The two views on some issues are just two parallel tracks of the railway line. Say, you love having pets and she just can’t stand them. Neither can you stop loving someone you care for nor can she be asked to fall in love with non-humans. (Obviously, this problem is specific to couples living together. But I’m willing to bet each couple encounters a solutionless problem at some point or the other - ofcourse guys, there’s difference between ‘awareness of facts’ and ‘pessimism’ - this is the former.)

you’re not any less of yourself if all you want out of life is to keep someone else happy

That’s the sweetest thought in a relationship, but its impractical and thus in an unsustainable state. How many people out there can really say, “this is all I want out of life”. The “this” could be anything, “this” promotion, “this” project, “this” child getting 99% marks, “this” child becoming the best dancer, etc, etc, etc. There is no permanence. Our needs keep changing, escalating even, whether materialistic or otherwise.

AND, with very change that is not there for the next 3-4 decades you are becoming less of yourself…

So, what do you do?

Quit? Never!

Be at each other’s throats for ever and ever? Like that got us anywhere but farther away from each other.

What we could try is -

Spot the differences.

Recognize them; certainly don’t turn a blind eye to them.

Accept them - Don’t yell at each other, sleep over it, mull, and then discuss it. The discussion will have to involve prioritizing the issue at hand in line with all other issues in life. This is possible - slowly you change from shouting instantaneously to waiting a couple minutes, to a couple hours, and so on. Believe me you still might not have a solution, but it gives you a better chance of accepting the difference. By accepting, I mean coming to terms with the difference. Like I have my view, she has hers and that’s how it’s going to be.

The solution ultimately is to get a pet or not. There is no third option. Either choice involves adjustment/change/sacrifice by one. One person has to change their priority and the other person has to acknowledge it. Not acknowledging is taking it for granted - another thing you shouldn’t be doing *all* the time. The two still can’t come to a resolution, then what? I really don’t know…

If that issue is *so* close to your heart, it would have done good if you’d known it before you got in so deep into the relationship. But now that you have, what? I don’t know…

Maybe it is to accept at first that there will be non-optimal solutions or solution-less problems. We can take solace that this situation is not unique to us. But by acknowledging this fact we are giving the much required room…and that’s what both of us need after the “I love you so much that I can…” phase is over…

Once issue resolved/acknowledge, bow a welcome to the next, and then the next…basically…lage raho…
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More things I had problems with digesting -

Relationship has got less to do with the people in it, and more to do with their attitude in general

The attitude is the people. Our attitude is the basic-basic part of who we are.

All we needed to do was dip our heads in a basin of cold water, rearrange the way a few nerves are placed, and bring about a fundamental change to our thinking.

Can you really take the red wire off and plug it in the green socket and the green wire in the blue socket? Even if you can, you’ll be using a lot of duct tape to keep it in the new places which ultimately might wear off with time.

So, maybe you can rearrange the way the nerves are placed, then comes the real question. Can you guarantee that it will stay that way for ever and ever?

There is no ‘all we needed to do’. It’s always one thing followed by the other. And just being prepared for that is a good start.

simply by making a choice keeping in mind your partner, you’re not changing yourself

Acting with your partner’s choice in mind is doing something differently from the way you would have done it if the partner was not around. And this doesn’t happen once or twice, you keep the partner’s choice in mind constantly, and do things differently constantly. Sometimes these are little things, sometimes not so little…and then 2-3 years later you wake up from the “aware but yet blind-in-love” state to “oh $%&*, where did “I” go?” So, in effect you ended up changing yourself.

If one is happy with that, “great! Nothing like it!” But, my guess is that any independent, opinionated, well-exposed person is not going to be. Better blow the bubble the right size instead of having it burst in your face later.

That waking up next to the person you love is truly the one thing you should have throughout your life
That saying you’re sorry every now and then will help you get that

Saying you’re sorry, is not a thing that should be thought of, or done because you like waking up with this person tomorrow…it has to happen naturally because you feel sorry for what “you” have done wrong.

* * *

Does this mean you think, think, think and just quit enjoying?! Geez no! Relationships too can use a balance of ‘work’ and ‘play’…

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Quite a few friends around me are looking for partners or the families are looking out on their behalf. Invariably, “How do you know this is the one?” pops up.

My typical answers -

• Make a list of how you’d like your partner to be - from outer to inner beauty. Prioritize that. And go around making check-marks or giving percentages. - very flaky, and highly impractical. I look at it as my stop-gap, “give me time to think” solution.
• Have an elimination process. Some things are big no-nos. Reduce the choice and thus the confusion. - Yuck! I know…
• You’ll know it, go by your gut feeling and you’ll be fine. - could I get any more abstract!?

Come on guys! It’s been over 11 years and I was just 22. (And being 22 then was very different from being 22 now, but that’s a discussion for some other day.) You cannot expect me to remember the process I went through. All I remember is let’s take it one day at a time, meaning one boy at a time. Who knew the time would come with just one boy? Shebing-shebang-matter-close. All okay because it has worked out great…so far…except for the regular ups and downs… (another topic for another day) …but not everyone can or should take such a risk. Never!

Ruminating over the topic long enough, and going by my experience so far, I think this is one all-encompassing question that needs an answer -

“How much will I be required to change to be able to sustain this relationship for decades to come?”

And conversely, how much will I need this person to change.

This question needs an answer after the mush-mush-gush-gush “I love you the way you are” period is done with. So, in an arranged marriage scenario, there are practical problems due to social issues, like time spent alone before engagement, etc. Then again, there is no mush-gush in an arranged marriage before the engagement anyways. And society is getting more and more liberal towards time spent alone before you are announced fiancés, so there is hope.

The question needs an answer after the reality of “opposites attract” sinks in. Analogies do have their limitations, you know. That theory applies to magnets, not people! Okay, it applies to people, but NOT in the long run. In the long run you need common interests, common things to talk about.

Think about it, your partner is talking about some major philosophy of life and you cannot get over your fascination with the mathematical beauty of matrices. Or you are completely into making this country, your city, your society a better place to live in and your partner is absolutely content with keeping their self content. None of these are bad things, but a lot of them are incompatible. They sound trivial, but ultimately it’s the conversation that keeps the relationship going. Think about how you’d react if this happened today, tomorrow, a decade later and a quarter of a century later.

So, I think my new “way to go about it” mantra is -

“Judge how much you’d have to change for this person.”

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