meetu talks . . .

** mush alert **

You know the emoticon ? It’s always smiling. The other one is a whole different emoticon. And there are people like these emoticons. Some of them with lips always curved upwards.

My first memories of people like these is from school. There were a bunch of them. That they were always smiling and making people laugh, is just one facet. These people would talk about the saddest events of their lives with a smile you could sense even if you couldn’t see it. Not mockery, not sarcasm, there was hope in that smile. Maybe even a belief, that it will work out.

S is one such girl. We first met when we were all of 12. We parted ways after school, 3 years later. Then we would bump into each other once in a while. After the longest while, maybe 12-13 years, we met a couple of days ago at a school reunion.

Like most of us (we were about 30 people at the reunion) she too had gained a lot of weight. But the change in her hair was…let’s just say…difficult to miss. It’s a nest resting on her forehead. Long-lost friends that we all were, how could we not comment on it, in the most politically incorrect way possible. Her smile hadn’t change over the years. She laughed along with us. Then she goes –

S – I have to give you guys a surprise. Let us wait till everyone comes.

the bunch of us who were there insisted, “e tell no-tell no” types.

S – It’s a good news. I want to tell when everyone is here.

More “tell no, tell no”

S (that twinkle in her eye, clasping her hands in glee, the broadest she might have ever smiled) – I’ve just been cured of breast cancer

* * *

After a milli-instant of silence, we cheered.

Yeah, she went through detection, chemo and is still under treatment for various other things. Not only that, compared to the other things that have happened in her life, the cancer might have taken its toll physically but was least tormenting, mentally.

Sure, we all know someone like this. We all know we are given the strength to deal with whatever is presented to us. Whoever reads this will go, “wow, look at what people face and we call our problems problems”

But, isn’t there something more than this to it? She’s smiling guys. Her smile understands the awkwardness we feel, the pity we are avoiding to convey. SHE is taking care of us. Maybe, for her sake it’s good that it’s not the other way around.

She made me realize what inspires me. The never-changing smilie.

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There are people you see and you sense an instant connection. You want to know more about them, just like that. Happens to me all the time. Hell, even tweets and blog posts make me want to know the person better. I’m sure this phenomenon is not unique to me.

Another thing that goes hand-in-hand is hesitation in letting the other person know. Of course, this is not in the romantic sense. A recent school reunion happened just in time for me to realize how all of this actually relates to the age-old, now-clichéd adage -

if you love a butterfly , let it go.

if it comes back to you it was always yours.

if not. it never was.

… or something like that.

At the reunion I noticed that a lot of people I wanted to connect with 21 years ago actually wanted to know more about me too. A recap of my relationships is evidence of that too. Recently, I exchanged this conversation with one of my best friends today.

me – girl, you are so approachable, but you seemed so completely in your world when we first met. i could never myself come up and talk to you.

she – get outta here. you were the one who didn’t wanted to be talked to!

But, this is more than wrong interpretation of body language. It’s about timing and I think it’s about not pursuing too hard. The latter is not about ego, it’s more about letting the butterfly fly back to you.

The catch here though is that this can be said only in hindsight. When I first met this friend, wanted to talk to her, but couldn’t make myself to because I thought she was way out of my league, it bothered me. Every time, I thought of her or she was mentioned, I would sense this nagging feeling I’d learnt to ignore. Had I known, that not imposing on her was actually the best for this now super-friendship to bloom, I’d have waited blissfully.And this is true not with just this one, I’ve seen that happen with so many other relationships.

Now the catch over the catch is, it doesn’t always work out this way. But if history is to be believed, for the people I want this to workout with, I have to learn to let go and make my peace with it. Deep breath, let go…

* * *

ps. Yeah, I’m a people’s person and I can’t have enough people who I can connect with and wonder about the world around us.

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I’ve been told that in almost so many words, by more than one person in the last two days! A couple of them were in a tone that I really don’t appreciate be talked to in. But they are near and very, very dear, so they can take me for granted.

What bothers me really is that they are people who are known for their analysis and acute observation skills, both professionally and socially. Also, I wouldn’t have connected with them, if it were not for the way they analyzed or the point of view they brought to an issue/situation. More interestingly though, I’m willing to take a bet, I wouldn’t be in their lives at all had it not been for how I think about things.

So, tell me, dear ones, the great thinkers in my life, tell me according to your own analysis, how does one stop analyzing?

Oh yeah, “STOP THINKING SO MUCH!” is another one. How does one stop thinking?

hmph…

Funnily, none of these people are ever likely to read this post. Even more reason to call it a rambling rant. So, those of you who have, do you know how to stop thinking and analyzing about things that happen around you…personally, socially?!

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Best of my bonding with abu-rabad happens when we are watching TV together and while doing homework. Let’s forget the existence of homework for the time being. Done? Good.

So, abu and i are watching either cricket or a music reality show he likes, Music Ka Maha Muqqabla, and a sanitary napkin ad comes and goes. And of course -

abu – what’s that ad for?

me (super-composed and surprisingly ready) – all women need to wear a diaper-like thing once a month. this is an ad for that.

abu – oh

Next ad. Since I couldn’t find the video on the net, i’m going to try my best to describe it. No people, it wasn’t a condom ad.

Blank, black screen.

A semi-thick white straight line runs down vertically.

The line takes the shape of a belly towards the bottom, Now the line looks like the outline of a pregnant woman’s belly.

The word “Miss” appears on the left of the line.

The word “Manisha” appears on the right side of the line.

The word “Manisha” is now deleted backwards, letter by letter.

The belly goes flat.

The word “Miss” now is changed to “Missing”.

It’s a public service message for the ‘Save the girl child’ program.

abu – mamma, what that for now?

me (taking a deep breath) – There are many people who want the baby to be a boy when it’s in the mamma’s stomach. So, when they find out it’s a girl, they do something to stop the girl baby from growing and don’t let her be born at all.

abu – oh… (not a man of many words, my boy), then?

me – This is not a good thing, right?

abu – right.

me – so this ad is saying don’t kill the baby Manisha when it’s in the mamma’s tummy. Don’t let her become missing.

abu – oh

i’m wondering whether he understood the concept, and -

abu – why do people like to have only boys?

me – …

don’t really know baby, because i don’t think that way, but maybe because a girl get’s married and has to change her surname. See A mama’s (my brother, abu’s maternal uncle) has the same last name as nana (my dad, abu’s maternal grandfather) but i don’t. And I live far away and am not expected to take care of him, where as A mama is expected to…

I don’t know baby, i really don’t

* * *

Use of a sanitary napkin is something that helps us deal with something nature gave us.

Who do I blame for making the ‘Save the girl child’ message a product?

Why did we create such a situation for ourselves that I have to explain this to my 8-year old child?

* * *

ps. A story from last month.

we get a call, “congratulations you are uncle and aunt to a handsome baby boy!”

we – “thank you, but what? who? when?”

them – “so and so delivered a baby yesterday”

i called the new mommy, “hey, congrats!” Among other pleasantries exchanged asked how here two older daughters were doing. Then -

me – we met just 4 months ago, how come you didn’t mention you were pregnant…Goodness! you didn’t even look pregnant…

she – you know how it is. we don’t know what our decision is going to be, so might as well let you know after everything goes fine.

The intention of this post is not to get anyone in trouble, but this is a first hand story. And i’m so not proud of even knowing this.

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I met this acquaintance the other day. The easiest place to meet is a Cafe Coffee Day, right? So, we meet there. And the moment we are done with the pleasantries, he says, "Let’s get out of this place. I hate CCDs."

I instantly liked him. I’m okay with CCDs, in fact their Iced Eskimo is my favorite cold coffee. But, knowing very little about this guy, I liked him. Just because he doesn’t like a particular cafe chain? What does that say about the person he is? No non-sense? Closer to earth. Doesn’t make people who enjoy CCD farther from earth, but makes the non-CCDites closer to earth.

"People who don’t like CCD" = good -> did I just form the latest stereotype? And here I am, taking pseudo-pride in making opinions of people independent of the stereotype associated with them based on caste, region, religion, etc.

Made me wonder about what other stereotypes I have hidden within – positive or negative.

• Whether or not they go out in public with oiled hair?
• Does she wear georgette salwar suits with "bling" embroidery work?
• The colors of lipstick she prefers.
• Stubble or no stubble and how he carries it?
• A statement like, "I shop only in South Bombay."

Geez…there’s a whole lot…not good, not good.

Do you have such filters too? What are they?

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A ping from a friend far away is what i thank technology for,

The prick from the silly mosquito which loved my right elbow didn’t matter any more.

It’s not like I can’t pick the phone and talk to her,

A written word means another whole world.

I can read it again.

Just like the unexpected SMS from another friend.

All the body ache and headache passed away, was dead,

The body and the head felt alive even without the pain.

There was something more than 2 crocins at work here.

* * *

An exercise at the creative writing workshop I attended had us pick mundane incidents from the day thus far and write about them. This was my attempt.

This will hopefully also mark the healthy recovery of this blog

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Official site – http://dhamma.org

I know, by the time you read the entire article, you are going feel terrified of the course. But, the experience was just plain awesome. I find comfort in the fact that I got a peek into what’s going on inside me, how my mind (and body) works and makes me do the things I do.

Like any good theory, the theory behind the technique is based on an assumption. The assumption is that the ultimate aim of life is to achieve “peace of mind”. So, if that’s not your aim of life, this one’s not for you. Doesn’t mean you stop reading here. What happens by the end of the course is that you learn to deal with the smaller disappointments in life.

Now, “peace of mind” is a pretty lofty aim, alright. As in, nothing wrong with having that as an aim, but one needs to be practical. And practical, the course is. They do not claim to teach you how to attain “peace of mind” in these 10 days, nor in the next few months or years or even this life time.

BUT, and a very big BUT, the technique taught can be used to deal with the daily unhappy events of life. And that’s a start, a good one at that. Even if you learn to deal with your headache, or backache, its an achievement, isn’t it? DOES NOT mean you go into the course with the intention of getting rid of regular illnesses. The cures are pure side-effects. You shouldn’t lose sight of the larger aim. And one thing to keep in mind while going into the course -

!!! DO NOT GO IN WITH ANY EXPECTATIONS !!!

Now about the course itself -
I’d like to start of by saying that this is by far THE most secular and logical program to achieve the goal of peace of mind I’ve come across. Calling it secular is an understatement because while the technique taught is as learnt by Gautam Buddha, the discourses ask you to only focus on the technique and not even think of Buddha let alone other deities or beliefs.

The technique is taught by video recordings of guruji – Mr. S. N. Goenka, I call him guruji because he ‘taught’ me this technique through these videos and not because he is a spiritual leader.

At no point are you asked by guruji to stop thinking and asking questions (you are allowed to talk to the asst. teachers). Logical thinking is encouraged. Also, you are not asked to change your style of living once you are out of the course. You can continue doing what you would do, only the attitude would hopefully be different.

I’m going to try and explain what I understood here. There maybe glaring gaps which I might not be able defend/counter-argue, but here’s what little I understood.

Now, this is the flow of the theory

• What is it that disturbs peace and pure harmony? Things that make us sad (agitation, frustration, anger, fear, etc) and things that make us happy (sex, people getting attached to us, etc).
• Things that make us happy spoil our equilibrium because we are sad after they are over.
• Deeper thinking leads you to the conclusion that its not really the things that make you happy or sad that are the problem. Its your need to cling to the happy and be averse to sad that tips the balance. The point being if you did not crave for happy things to stay or be sad when they were gone or hate the bad things, you would still be at peace.
• So, let’s try to deal with the craving and aversion.

To do the needful, we need to understand how our mind and body work and what the connection between them is.
Body

• B. Body is matter.
• B1. It has been proven that all matter is a bunch of atoms that are created and die in a fraction of a second.
• B2. In that fraction of a second a sensation is created. Could be anything heat, cold, wetness, dryness or abstract anger, fear, glee, bliss.

M.Mind

• M1.An event occurs. The mind notices it through the five senses of the body. It heard a sound, it felt something in the mouth, something touched the skin, it saw the form of something, it smelt something.
• M2.The mind processes it using intellect and reviews it using experience.
• Oh, the sound is someone calling me “idiot” – bad. Oh, the sound is someone telling me “I look pretty today” – good.
• This is a cucumber gone bad – yuck! This is chocolate cake just like mom makes it – yumm!
• Ant bit me – ouch! My son hugged me – wow!
• that’s a bloody cockroach – y-i-k-e-s. A rainbow – how serene!
• public toilet – don’t breathe in. aroma of food when I’m hungry – nothing better!

Of course, each person has their own review, you might think of cockroaches as cute little brown things, I DO NOT!

• M3.A sensation is created that likes the good and dislikes the bad.
• M4.There is reaction created out of habit to crave for more of what we liked and being averse to what we didn’t like.

Vipashchana is a meditation technique that if you practice regularly, you will realize that the sensation mentioned din B2 is the same as that created in M3.

The 10-day teaches you to change that habit of the reaction. It involves observing your reactions and trying to change them. Note that at this point, you are not asked to evaluate things as good or bad but are asked to change your reactions. Obviously, you have to meditate regularly for the effect to last. And I think as you advance to higher levels, you will be asked to refrain from evaluating too, but not for now.

This technique is taught in mini-baby steps over the course of 10 days in this course. I’m not going to get into the details of “how to meditate” because it will sound really abstract and will serve no purpose. I cannot even attempt to narrate in words what I learnt in 80-90 hours of meditation.

All I can say, enter with lots and lots of patience and loads and loads of determination because the much talked about “scary” features are true One guideline that really helped me was given by Mr. Prakash Laddha (a trustee at the Igatpuri center), “Dear, just follow the instructions. The instructions and you, that’s it. If you focus on just these two things, you will have a good course”

• You are not supposed to talk from 8pm on the registration day (let’s call this day 0) to 10am, Day 10. No talking = no hand gestures, no eye contact. You can talk to your teacher if you have trouble with the technique and the admin if you have administrative problems.
• Breakfast is served at 6.30am, a full meal at 11am, and fruit, tea and murmura (rice flakes) at 5pm. No dinner. You can eat as much as you like during these hours, but it is recommended you don’t stuff yourself.
• 10.5 hours of meditation, interspersed with breaks for meals, shower, etc and 5-10 minute breaks in continuous hours of meditation.
• 1.5 hours of discourse each evening.
• Day starts at 4.30am and ends at 9pm. Which means you get up at 4am and sleep around 9.30-10pm.

Pretty intense, huh?

One thing that sure helped me was I was absolutely mentally prepared. While I don’t think any of the rules bothered me individually, by day 6 evening I was completely overwhelmed by all these things put together and felt scarily lonely. I recovered soon enough. But believe me, if you are doing the course with all sincerity, keeping quiet is the easiest rule of them all!!

I found the meditation extremely exhausting because it’s not a relaxation technique. It’s a technique that compels you to think about yourself and the rules of the program create an atmosphere conducive to making you do exactly that.

The two things that got me down during the course and have an effect even now are -

• Damn! If I want peace of mind, I’ve to let go of clinging or craving for more of what I like!
• It is such a long, long way ahead, if I’m going to continue using this technique to achieve “peace of mind”. I am just like a new-born baby who has let out the gasp for her first breath, just started the process of living. I’m convinced though that any other road is going to be as long. So, here’s to a hope that I’ll practice the technique regularly. So far so good, have been able to do it as required. One day at a time…

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These were the feelings before the course that I’d jotted down, but somehow forgot to post on the site.

—

As the day of a 10-day ‘noble silence’ draws closer, I am beginning to realize how important it is for me to talk, to connect, to be with people. As far as I can tell till date, everything I’ve enjoyed doing has been memorable because of the people I met, the relationships I made. And this course completely takes that away from me.

It’s great that I’ve this opportunity to enter a world that is diagonally opposite of the environment I like being in. Yet, how much ever mentally prepared I am for the rigorous meditation, I’m getting anxious. I’m looking forward to the time on my own, but every time I hear a person say, “it will be a life-changing experience…at least temporarily”, I inch my way towards restlessness. Do I really want my life to change?

NOPE!

Do I want changes in myself? Yeah, of course! A few changes would do me good…

hmmm…too much anticipation…

I just want the course to start now…

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So, I’m off to this vipashchana course on May 21. 10 days of meditation, of being with myself, of getting to know a little more about myself. Yep, 10 days of I, Me, Myself. And hopefully some of these days will be spent in experiencing the tranquility brought by the peace-of-mind-inducing meditation.

How are they going to achieve it? By not allowing me, let alone to talk to anyone, but to even make eye contact with any one of the 700 odd participants! No music, no books, no outside food which obviously means no TV, no mobile, and no movies

Anyhow, I thought this would be a good time to make a list of the general philosophies of life that I try to live by. Taking stock, just in case I would like to do a ‘before and after’ analysis. So, let’s see…

• Live and let live – I have gradually grown to be a very liberal person. Anything goes as far as other people are concerned – be it a friend who wants to give up her flourishing career in corporate management to pursue her hobby in singing or people having extra-marital affairs. If that’s what makes you happy, so be it.
  Of course, the rules are different when it comes to me, depending on the value in question. Yet, I would say I’ve been absolutely successful in letting live when I’ve let my kids do it.
• Accept your emotions – Let them be. Don’t tinker with them, don’t try to change them and certainly don’t suppress them. Respect and acknowledge your fear, you affection, your attachment, your despise, your frustration, your irritation. Coming to terms with them is the best way to deal with them. This is the newest addition to the philosophies, so still working on it.
• Have zero expectations – this one is as easily said as it is difficult to do. But, I think, I’ve gradually reached a level where I’ve almost no expectations from my brother, sister, parents, and the best of friends. It’s a nice feeling when nothing they do or don’t do can hurt me. The best side-effect though is that the smallest gesture of love or care brings me pleasure beyond measure. Of course, I’ll be 100% successful when the rule applies 100% to hubby dear
• Talk it out – Whatever it is I feel towards a person, if the person is important enough, I’ve to let them know – be it something that has upset me, or something that I appreciate – I have to say it in words. Somehow, can’t rely on non-verbal communication to do the needful.
• Don’t get judgmental – I am annoyed when people are judging me, and so try my best to avoid judging other people. It helps me accept people in the proverbial as-they-are way. Of course, I don’t do this to the extent of being naïve and am not blind to how devious people can be. But I keep the negatives in a ‘beware’ compartment of the brain without letting it overwhelm the relationship.
  Only issue is I completely shut people off when they get judgmental about me. I just cannot care for these people. This is in contradiction with the ‘have zero expectations’ rule because I’m expecting people to be non-judgmental. This is a cause of concern only because these people are nice otherwise, so I might be losing out on good relationships. Hmmm…
• Down with stereotyping – classifying people into categories and sub-categories has always peeved me off – not only those based on nationality, community , religion, caste, color or class but also those based on organizations you belong to – school, university, workplace, self-improvement program you have faith in, etc. The only place where this completely falls apart is sports and more specifically cricket. The sense of belonging takes precedence over calling all Australian players shrewd and rude.

This is my list, might add more if I think of anything else. So, what are the rules you live by?

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We hear this way too often – “Just kidding!” or “Sorry, I was just angry…”

So, is everything fair in “jest” and “wrath” too?

If that’s so then, I have perfect excuse to behave the way I like in love, war, jest, and wrath! Perfect…looking for more to add to this list…

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